Where to go from here?

After weeks of an overwhelmingly indifferent attitude and a consistent roller coaster ride of serotonin fueling my emotions, I am so deeply in need of a journey. Not the kind of journey that takes you on a tropical themed cruise to Alaska (complete with hula dancing polar bears), but rather, I want to step out through this murky vapid trance-like fog, into a world of lush effervescent mountains and overwhelmingly high thrills.
No more will I be satisfied with serendipitous hikes through flower breeding countryside, no...I need to run pellmell through sheets of rain, ever thirsty for the adventure that will meet me on the other side. I am longing for a place, for a person, a community, to call home.
I am not searching for a vacation, I am searching for the land where my heart can finally rest.
Somewhere that knows I love strong wind, fresh uncut paths, and the bright smell of cut mint.
A place/person/thought/love that knows that I am only as strong as any tree that can be broken by my gait, and as prone to curiosity as young ducks are to falling on their heads.
I need a home that can see through my deep mistrust and ever so broken heart.
But where? Where is my home? Does one find this mindset in the damp uncharted forests of countries longed to walk? Or has the place always existed, in the shadows of my heart?
I doubt that.
Never before have I needed someone to know me. Not in a silly understanding kind of way, but in the way that feels my heart for blowing dandelion's petals and cupping hot drier lint...and that when nothing else will cheer me up, a John Cusack movie probably will. There's something about the security in a home that knows you will always love tomato soup, power berries, plantains, and pomegranates (although not necessarily together).
Maybe my home is in Madagascar, or maybe that's just where my life begins, but either way, I'm still longing to go...
until next time...to Madagascar! & to home.

Madagascar Ellie has h@x

However, her selection of music is quite fine.

She listens to great tracks

By a favorite band of mine.

When she listens to the cave

People start to dance

Mumford and Sons gave

Music fancy pants! <--(awesome)

I love the guitar

And the banjo is tight

Mandolins can go far

And folk music sounds right.

So next time you're in the mood

For some alty, folksy stuff

Call up this cool dude

Cause one guitar is enough!


The end.

Mumford & Sons

uuuugghghghghghghg I love them.


The Cave


It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's hand

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

My Latest Adventures

have been journeys of the heart.

I have not been far from home in the past months, but rather, I spend my days drifting in and out of my own numb consciousness, while invading the lives of numerous others.
Working for DCFS has been one of the best and worst experiences I have ever felt.
I have never felt more joy than watching a family reunite, and never more pain than telling a person that they are not an adequate enough human being to care for a child.
Nothing is more confusing than a parent looking straight into your eyes and telling you they would do anything to get their child back, while you review their positive drug test results or look at pictures of bruises they inflicted during a psychotic break.

I just keep thinking this can't be what I was made for.  and this can't be the life they were created to live.

Then again, my consistent prayer is, "Lord, break my heart for what breaks Your's".
Well, my heart has never been more shattered.